I’m writing this blog post mid-flight somewhere over the Pacific Ocean. I meant to write about my two weeks in Hawaii, but I can’t focus. There is an empty seat next to me. I keep looking over at the empty space, at what is not there. I move on, and on, and on. Always moving, pressing on, living the life I chose for myself, exploring the world and marvelling at its beauty, and for the most part, I am happy. But these empty seats remind me that I travel alone.
I try to focus on Hawaii and all the wonderful things I did there, but right now, that is not what I need to write about. Right now, I need you as a surrogate friend to fill the empty space next to me. Someone to talk to, to tell you that sometimes I really fucking miss having someone next to me that I know, someone that I trust, someone I love. I long for a shoulder to lean on, to rest against. I want an arm to pull me into an embrace. I want to return a smile. I want my hand to search the darkness for a hand to hold, to feel the warmth of someone who welcomes my warmth, my breath, my closeness and affection, needs it, reaches out for it. Hell, I’d even take an angry argument over this empty seat.
I’m often asked if I don’t get lonely, if I don’t want someone to share my experiences with. I answer that I’m never alone and that I share my life with the people I meet on my journey, and it is mostly true. But there is only so much I can share with people I’ve known for only a few days or weeks. Some things—important things—are left buried within me.
I’m afraid that along my journey, I’ll always have an empty seat next to me. Who could ever fill it? I had a hard enough time finding a partner in my previous geo-static life, and now it seems all but impossible. And no, I can’t stop. I don’t want to. I like my nomadic life. Most of the time, I’m happy. Most of the time.
————
It is a few hours later, and I’m reading what I wrote above. They were honest words, and I don’t want to edit them or hide them from you. Still, it is time to reel in the self-pity.
It is true; I have no clue how to make relationships work as a nomad. Conventional relationships don’t seem to fit. Fine. So be it. I’ll deal with this as I dealt with other aspects of my nomadic life: I will forge my own path, and I’ll bend any god damn rule of convention that stands in my way.
It won’t be easy, but what other path could I walk but my own?
You give up too easy. It would take a special kind of person, but it’s possible if you want it. You’ll figure it out.
Dan @ ZenPresence
My final comment was a resolution not to give up. I will make it work. It might be an unconventional relationship(s), but I’ll make it work.
I have found my guy while being semi-nomadic in Sweden! He’s also very nomadic and we’ve now been together for 2 years. I couldn’t be happier. I’m sure you’ll find yours Gustav. He’s just there somewhere. ;D
Hello Gustav. A relationship is a relationship … a nomadic one would take a bit more work, a teensy bit more. But if you’re with the right person(s) – everything is worth it. Best of Luck and Good things come to those who travel. Hugs, a Diehard Romantic – Neeta
Welcome to The Modern Nomad; I love die hard romantics!
My worry isn’t so much the work (all relationships take work) but rather how few people there are out there that are nomads. The pool of potential matches is pretty shallow, and I even had a hard time finding a fish in the deep sea of London! But, that doesn’t mean that it can’t happen. As I said in the post, I have no idea how to make my nomadic lovelife work, but I will make it work, one way or another. Die-hard romantics unite!
So what are you looking for, except a person who is ready to go on the road? I wouldn’t hesitate one sec, in fact I am preparing to live that nomad life myself (my Romani friend said “fuck, you are more gypsy than I am anyway, so get going!” lol).
I am in Sweden for the moment, if you are heading here anytime soon, let me know. I would love to meet up. I am planning to uproot towards the spring.
Cheers
Aha! Gusty, a willing companion already, why not travel together and see the world!
Oh, I wish. He never got back to me. I am dumped even before I got on the road..! lol
Relationships are hard indeed.!
Heheheh, that’s our Gusty. Try again in the future?
An empty seat next to you on a trans-pacific flight? That’s a reason for celebrating (silver lining/missed point, etc).
You “just” have to find a fellow nomad. Just like the nomads of the desert, you need a tribe to be part of.
It sure is difficult to find someone like that but on the other hand, your lifestyle allows you to meet an incredible amount of people all over the world.
That is a good point; I do meet a lot of people. Few of them are nomads though. Who knows, maybe I can uproot someone and bring them with me. Although, wow, that would be a lot of pressure! “I gave up my whole life to be with you!” That would end pretty much any argument…
That’s never a fair argument. Feel free to answer with any of the following:
1) And you’re welcome to go back to it at any time.
2) It’s more that I brought you out and showed you a new world.
3) And boy did you get the better deal out of that one!
In all seriousness though – don’t let it turn into pressure for you. If someone likes the life you live, and loves you, enough to join you and do the things you’re doing, that’s THEIR decision only.
Well you could just come for a while? See friends and family, and spend time with people that actually know you.
The Nomadic life is romantic, but remember most Nomadic people’s were so, because they needed to find fresh pasture for their animals. If I remember correctly your not travelling with or grazing any animals?
Humans can only be ‘unconnected’ for so long, ‘wandering’ can soon turn into just feeling lost? Remember that all Nomads ‘return’ to their lands. What will your ‘lands’ be? If you circumnavigate the globe, then yes, that seat will stay empty, it’s just life. But if you settle somewhere for a bit, maybe you can find someone who is like minded to travel with? There must be other Nomads that would like to travel with you?
Hogie! Glad to hear from you! I am coming back to Sweden and London from time to time and it is always great to see friends and family. London and Ljungby are places where I feel I have really good friends and that I love spending time at. And perhaps a solution to the relationship issue is to have geo-static boyfriends in various ports that I visit from time to time during my travels. I’ve thought of that quite a few times, and I like the idea. Unconventional, but as I said in my post, I’ll bend any rule of convention to make the world fit me.
As for coming back to London for a long time … I don’t think so. I have no interest in ending my nomadic experiment. It’s worked out well so far, and on another point, I don’t think I can afford London anymore without picking up a ‘proper’ job, and then I will never know how far working for myself would have brought me!
I had a feeling such an idea may arrive in your head. It would be fine for yourself, but not so fair on the geostatic man, who will effectively be functioning as a concubine?
Your issue is a complex one, not easily remidied, although the sailor approach of ‘a partner in every port’ has been in use as long as ships have been invented. What is it, or who is it that you really, really want? What does it require to make that thing happen? Even with a partner in every port, you still have a problem of the empty seat next to you as you travel around. What you need is a travel companion, with a similar outlook to yourself? Try turning it around and put the focus on that person instead of yourself, where would that special person have to be in order to find you? If someone like minded to you, wanting to travel with a companion and wanted to meet and get to know you, how should they do it?
Solve the answer to that question and then you are half way there.
Its good that you are happy to keep moving, and yes staying in London now for the long term (without the sacrifice) is probably off the cards, but maybe stay a couple of weeks and chill out?
my first reaction is to try to reach out to you and hug you, tightly. my second reaction is to acknowledge we all are going to have an empty seat next to us at some time in our lives. a seat no one ,ever , will be able to fill.
I don’t have a nomadic relationship but I have one with a ghost, his seat will always be empty. it feels about the same though. I just tell myself he is out, living free and happy, exploring the world with you, Gustav. that makes me smile through my tears.
when those moments hit, when that seat is physically empty, remember those of us who love you and will be hugging you, even if you don’t feel it. <3
Gustav – you know I’m on my way to a similar lifestyle to the one you’re living. I’m taking a longer route there, but it’s the same goal. And you know that I’ve found a partner who is both willing and able to share it witn me. If I can, so can you
And if it’s company and friendship you want, on a longer-term basis, you know we’ll be there with you in a while. For the romance and intimacy side, you’ll find someone eventually.
Hmm, perhaps we should do some nomading together. And if the night grows too cold, I could always wear a Kimera mask and come visit; you’ll hardly notice the difference I’m sure!
Hmmm, I think I might a bit more these days…
* mysterious open-ended comment… you’ll have to wait till next time we see each other for more details! *
We all feel like you did on the plane Gustav, at some point(s), whether a nomad or not, as of course you know. Although not remotely in your league, I have traveled alone quite a lot in the last few years, but just for short periods. I must admit I always like getting home and seeing loved ones, so that feeling for you must be x1000000. I am not sure you know but Junior and I have broken up, ending a 14 year relationship, and the adjustment to ‘being alone’ and the ‘empty seat’ is tough. Re your empty seat, have you thought about seeing if your family or friends that you have known for a long time could join you for periods here and there? I am sure plenty of people would very much enjoy spending their holidays sharing your experiences, me for one. Allan
I’m sorry to hear that Allan, goodness 14 years is a very long time. Of course adjusting must be very hard, Commisserations. Gusty, within the comments here in response to your article there is some very good advice. Yes you of course can find someone to share the adventure with, but remember ‘the rolling stone gathers no moss’.
It will not be a defeat to stay put for a while, and try not beat yourself up for feeling vulnerable. If I did what you were doing I would feel very lonely, and miss my family and friends too much (that is why I don’t do it) come to London for a while, stay with familiar friends, afterall true friendship and love is one of life’s greatest treasures! There us nothing wrong with filling your pockets from time to time. x
Wow, I had no idea you broke up; I’m very sorry.
My mother and brother visited me in Buenos Aires, and that was wonderful! So yes, I have an open invitation to all my old friends to come and visit me wherever and whenever I am! So if I’m somewhere that tickles your fancy, Allan, come on over!
I know it is not the same as flesh and blood arms, but if it makes you feel any better, you are never alone. Our metaphysical arms hold you tight. I pray that at the right time and place, someone will join you on your journey.
Hello Gussie, that was a touching and honest post. As a convicted diehard romantic I had to read your post, the ensuing comments and also post my thoughts.
First, it’s OK to have those feelings and to think as you did from time. I think there is a problem if you flew through the world hardly noticing those empty chairs. So relax.
Secondly, I think the need for a partner or some special constant person is a need for home. However I don’t mean home as in going home home or a geo static place(I believe that is what you call your former life?) rather home is much more; for me it is the anchoring for a fixed point in your life – this is love. I believe that this can be regardless whether you are hurtling through life (when dancers lurch into a pirouette they have to have a fixed place to focus on as the turn). You see when you are in love or have a special person you create this sacred/fixed place or point defined by your shared bonds, ideas, beliefs, trust, sex, intimacy, security. With this person you can be yourself in all your various shades and angles without performance or without the need to apologise.. You see when you are with that special person you can be home whether it’s 30,000 ft in a plane across the pacific or curled up in a motel watching foreign evening TV. My point? I don’t think your nomadic lifestyle will mean its impossible for you to be ‘home’, yes it will be much harder simply because of the smaller pool of people on the same journey as you or wanting to start that journey but not impossible. There are people looking for home too and everyone’s idea of home is different, so logic tells me there is a match for you.
Lastly, embrace those feelings those empty chairs make you feel. The are a compass reminding of where you are in your life and why, where you have come from and also that life is not geo static or fixed but it is always changing as we grow and change as people, and as our realities and surroundings change.
Die hard romantic
Oby x
Everybody, I’d like to introduce Oby, a dear dear friend and a man who will wipe the floor with Romeo and Juliet when it comes to being a diehard romantic.
What you wrote really rung true to me. I think I might have found someone like that, in some weird twisted way, and what you said about a fixed point… Yep, I can buy that. It’s hard when you are not physically together, but it is an enormous privilege nonetheless.
PS. I’ve just moved in with Michael, from LoST! Let the board-gaming begin!
Well Oby, what a corker! Gusty, there is your answer in a nutshell.
I will reiterate what Oby says about it being Ok to have these feelings, you would not be human if you didn’t? Its natural, and I would be more worried if you never felt lonely travelling by yourself for so long.
I still think you should visit London again to recharge your batteries, and dose up on some love and friendship before going off again. People are having babies!
With the romance, it is possible, but also very tricky. The vast majority of relationships to work do require some form of consistency? Constant travel has ruined the strongest of relationships, so it must be a fellow Nomad… is there not some international Nomad dating site of some kind?
Getting the balance right of course is up to you, but remember ‘to choose is to renounce’ and a Nomadic life imposes change and sacrifice. This is true of any life lived honestly, but the Nomadic life has more of the extremes, both highs and lows. Maybe you should do the obvious (but maybe not so?) and advertise for a travel buddy? It could yield unexpected results?
Hogie
x
One major advantage of a nomadic lifestyle when trying to find a partner is that you are meeting so many people. Fellow travellers are likelier to understand or approve of your lifestyle. I think you’ve a better shot at a nomadic relationship than you know!
There is a lot of wisdom in these responses, not surprising when you make such a vulnerable and universal human statement.
Yes, at some point we all see an empty chair next to us.
Crys, above, lost her intelligent and passionate son to suicide and his chair is empty and her house is too quiet.
For most of my life, my mother was my best friend. We traveled together from Venezuela to London to Calgary. I could tell her anything. Today, she is mentally ill and physically handicapped. I moved home to take care of her for ten years now, and there she is in her chair…but it feels empty. The friend she was is gone and is not coming back. I am living as a gay man in a small midwestern town and there has also been an empty space next to me in my bed for too long. I also “really fucking miss having someone next to me that I know, someone that I trust, someone I love… an arm to pull me into an embrace.”
Yes, indeed, empty chairs. You are right though, if you are imaginative and willing to think unconventionally, to look in an unexpected place, love will find it’s way in.
Craig what a strong person you are. To loose someone so close in such a vial way is not easy. As a gay man I lost my first partner to an drunk driver 10 years ago it was a very deep and life changing event for me, even though I have had other partners since it has never been quite the same. Trying to forgive the murder of a loved one is never an easy thing and it is something I have battled with for so long and then one has to let go.
Being alone and not having someone in the seat alongside you or in you’re bed at night is something which only certain people can take for so long.
By the way, everybody, it means so much that you take the time to write me these comments. They help enormously. Knowing that you are out there, seeing what I do, write, think and feel, and that you care, well, it really helps me a lot and I wanted to say thank you.
Helloooo brother lots of preparing for My 40 years party so i will do a longer writing here Soon.
And Skype is prepared for the evning
Really touching post. I am a kind of nomad myself and as much as i love this lifestyle. I do miss out on all the interactions with friends and potential soulmates I could have in the so called conventional lifestyle. Anyway as you said forge ur own path
Nomad or non-nomad finding a relationship is hard. The thing with a relationship is you need to find someone that cherishes you and respects you and above is willing to go the distance. The thing in a relationship it goes two ways…you have to share each others passions and desires. The person has to like what you do. So if the person likes traveling or going places they won’t mind uprooting so often and see the world. And I am confident you will find that person someday. Anyways came about this blog and figure it was something I kinda relate too so I thought I would leave a comment and say this is a really interesting blog. I really hope you find that special someone someday soon!
Welcome to the blog, and thank you for your thoughts on relationships. I agree with that you need to cherish and be cherished, respect and be respected.
One thing I’ve come to think is less required is to have things in common though. I learn that lesson when I met my absolute polar-opposite in Don Kendrick. The best thing he thought me was that friendship is based on respect and ‘cherishment’, not political ideas or shared religion. I wrote about that in the blog post Don Kendrick. You might like it.
Even though I have only been traveling internationally (and quite frequently) I too have had many of the same feelings, of being alone. I sincerely hope that we will both find happiness along our (unconventional) journeys
I just stumbled upon your blog, and this happens to be the first post I saw. This has always been my worry as well. I don’t know many people who would sacrifice the family life sort of thing to explore the world. I’m glad that I found your blog and can hear about your experiences. Though I’m happy traveling alone, having a travel partner that shares your overwhelming wanderlust must be even better.
I’m not gonna say it is not a big sacrifice.
When people hear that I’m a nomad, their first reaction is often, “Oh, I wish I could do that too!” But, … that empty seat is a real thing to deal with.
Thank you for sharing with such honesty. As a fellow nomad who is sometimes hit with ‘the empty chair’ blues, your blog reminds me I’m not the only one who struggles with the downs of such an up/down lifestyle.
Companionship in solitude.
Writing this blog takes a lot out of me. It isn’t easy, digging into your emotions, then dress that tangled mess in words and finally to publish them for all to see. But comments like yours make it worth it, so thank you. And welcome to the blog.