The London Stag

27 July - 3 August 2011. Filed under category Personal.
The London Stag

The London Stag

Did you miss me?

After spending two glorious months of being fattened up on delicious home-cooked food and lazing in the hammock, it was finally time to leave Sweden. I’d be a pretty lousy nomad if all I achieved was to move back home with my parents! So good-bye laundry-that-automatically-gets-done-and-reappear-folded-on-my-bed and hello daily-battle-to-find-a-place-to-sleep-and-existential-angst-for-what-I-am-meant-to-do-with-this-life!

Coming back to London was interesting. I realise now that I worked far too hard during my nine years here. London is a different beast when all you do is have lunch with friends and read books at street-side cafés in the sun drinking iced lattes.

However, there was another – noble – reason for me to return to London: a stag night.

Richard’s Stag Night

The main reason for me to return to London for a week is that my friend Richard is getting married, and I am one of his two best men. That means it is up to me and the second best man (har har) to organize the stag night.

Because there was so much we wanted to do, we made it a stag weekend rather than a night.

First, we needed to address the issue of naked ladies, and thus our first destination was a gentlemen’s club. I figure Richard had a good time, but personally, I just felt uncomfortable. When the provocatively dressed ladies females sat down next to me and tried convince me that I wanted a lap dance, I felt the same uncomfortable feeling as I do when a tramp asks me for money on the street. Both involve the same long awkward discussion where I have to justify not buying what I don’t want, be it the big issue or a view of a spinning vulva. (I image I’d get the former if I saw the latter.)

To avoid the awkward offers of lap dances, stay away from the edges of your group as a free space next to you is a spot where one of the harpies may perch and peck at you. I tried to sit in the middle of my group, but that hallowed position was fought over by others also trying to avoid the lap dances. We resembled penguins, huddled together for warmth and slowly rotating to take turns at enduring the icy wind of the strippers.

Emperor Huddle

Emperor Huddle

The highlight of the many activities on the Saturday was a murder mystery. A small theatre company is in shock after the sudden death of the lead actor. Turns out that everyone in the theatre and their mother (literally) had a stack of reasons to murder the guy, and over dinner we all talked, bribed, threatened and schemed to figure out the real culprit while simultaneously trying to achieve a range of other personal goals. I’m glad to report that I am cleared on all charges except shameless overacting.

Finally, on the Sunday, we all finished off the weekend with an Alice in Wonderland inspired Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. Everyone was encouraged to make an effort and dress up as a mad character from book, but apart from me and one other friend, no one took the slightest notice. It is an exercise in self-distance to sit at a five-star hotel and drink afternoon tea wearing a black-and-white striped straitjacket and matching mad-professor-esque round sunglasses.

Where I am going next

The most common question that I get asked is ‘Where are you now?’ and ‘Where are you going?’. I will create a page that answers those questions including ‘Where have you been?’, but since I can’t leave it alone at ‘short and functional’ but feel the urge to move it to ‘flashy and overworked’, that page is still a few days away. Until then, I hope the below cold hard facts will be enough to satisfy your curiosity.

The Big Issue

I referred to the big issue in this post. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it is a good idea for getting homeless people to earn money instead of begging by having them sell copies of a magazine called the Big Issue. It is a good idea, but I’ve seen a lot of homeless people abuse the system by pretending to sell the papers and then saying that they can’t give you the magazine since it is their last copy, basically reverting back to begging. Despite this, it is still a good idea and a far better thing to spend your money on than, ohh, I don’t know, vulvas?

The Personal Category

The loyal, faithful, honourable, intelligent and downright sexy readers of The Modern Nomad who subscribe and thus have read my previous posts will recognize that this post is the first that is completely personal. Previously, I have tried to keep every blog post interesting to everyone, including those who don’t know me personally. However, on the advice of you readers, I have created a new category, Personal, for updates on what I am getting up to. To see all available categories, please see the ‘Archive’ menu in the header.


What is your best stag/hen night memory?

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  1. kimera azriel says:

    I am certain I was not told to dress “Crazy” so you could shine all the more brightly. Grrrr. But a great fun time was had. Thank you for being one of Rich’s best friends and mine also.

  2. Mike Jennings says:

    I hope it is San Francisco after BM 😉

  3. Reuben says:

    You’re in L.A.? Give me a shout if you need any tips of what to do or see; I’m a native Angeleno!

    1. Gustav, the Modern Nomad says:

      Keep reading! You are almost current. Today’s post was about my time in LA, which I left about ten hours ago.

  4. Reuben says:

    Read that after I made the last post. Glad you had a good time and loved my city. Good luck on your the rest of your trip. Will be following in February when I take off to Australia for a month or two, then Asia through to Europe… or wherever life might take me!

  5. Brother Henrik says:

    Jag ser fram emot en sexa för jappe som gifter sig utan förvarning.

What is your best stag/hen night memory?

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